Chyna: Warrior Princess - The Rebirth Saga
by Rocket-Strife
Summary: The Third Saga. Taker is set to make a startling comeback. A chubby chub chub chub makes off with the most important party favor at the Wedding of Two Nations; the bride.
1. Married with Cellulite

  
  


Chyna: Warrior Princess 

Episode 7: Married with Celulite. 

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The characters depicted here, of course, do not belong to me in the slightest way. They are the property of Titan Sports and Vince...even the Vince character. No copyright infrigement intended. 

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In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero… She was Chyna, a she-male forged in the heat of low-blows…the power, the passion, the DANGER… Her courage will change the world!!! 

Chyna walked along the fast flowing river, alone and bored. It had been far too long since she'd actually done something she enjoyed…slowly she recounted the events of late. The Olympics. The Olympics were supposed to all in good fun, to celebrate the peace of nations. Then why did two members of her side end up dead? Then why did a crazy goddess try to brutally murder her? And now she was off to a royal wedding. She shrugged off her previous, stupid little musings about 'the way things are' as she saw the mountain palace up ahead, adjusted her sword and ran towards the mountains.

***

"Chyna!" Vince cried, sauntering towards her. "I'm so glad you could make it, especially after that awful little 'Nicole' incident. The wedding wouldn't have been the same without you, you realize?" 

"Of course not." Sighed Chyna, leaning on a table covered with small, exotic morsels. "So…this is very UPPER class, isn't it?"

"Of course…except for these pesky D-Generates, they seem to get their little selves involved in everything." 

"That's because Road Dogg is in the high council isn't it?" 

"I have no idea how he got into that, you know. Still, I suppose the more the merrier. My daughter doesn't really seem to mind them." Vince sighed, filling his goblet with wine. While he went off to mince around with the other guests, Chyna took time to have a look around. The gardens sat next to a large lake that joined the river she followed from Athens, a huge palace sitting at the base of the majestic looking mountain. She shrugged; it was a nice little setup, but she was not a woman easily impressed. 

"Excuse me?" 

Chyna turned after she heard a small voice sound from behind her. There stood a small, timid looking blond girl, who had a small, hopeful looking grin on her face. Next to her stood the 'little green D-Generate X-Pac. 

"Um…this guy tells me…you're…the Warrior Princess…" 

"Yes." 

"Wow…you are!" 

"YES." 

"Omigosh! THE Warrior Princess! I'm breathing the same air as THE Warrior Princess Chyna! Whoopee!!" The girl cried, happily jumping up and down. Chyna rolled her eyes at X-Pac. 

"Don't you just love hyper-active fans?" 

"I'm Kitty…Miss Kitty." She gushed, holding her hands together in excitement. "I came all the way from Corinth when I heard you were gonna be at the Wedding of Two Kingdoms! I just can't believe you're here…I mean, YOU, in the flesh!" 

"Amazing, isn't it?" Sighed Chyna. 

"Omigosh! I would base my life on all your teachings!" 

"Uh…what are my teachings again?" 

"You know…defending the meek and that smiting evil and that sorta thing…I wanna be a Warrior Princess too!" 

"Really?" Sighed Chyna, looking this small, plain girl up and down. "Good luck…" 

Chyna turned to walk away, but she found Kitty at her side, walking with her and chattering away. "Of course, you know…I'd need some sort of cool outfit like you Princess, and a weapon…you know, to smite evil doers! Maybe a frying pan or something. And I could dye my hair…black like yours, that would be so cool, you know! And I could slay monsters and that, and the small and meek would run up to me and say; 'Kitty, you saved our village! We love you, let us give you this large purse filled with money!' And I'd say; 'never mind you poor, feeble people, keep your well earned money, you need it more than I, you carry on with your lives!' and they'd be all grateful and that, and I'd ride on with everyone cheering me in the distance…" 

"She really has no idea does she?" Sighed X-Pac. Chyna pulled a pained expression. 

"It really isn't like that…" Sighed Chyna. Kitty looked a little confused. 

"Then…how IS it like?" 

"Uh…messy." Chyna sighed with a shrug, the most appropriate description she could think of at the time. X-Pac nodded approvingly as they reached another food laden table and stopped. 

"Real messy!" Said X-Pac. "There was this time with the Undertaker…" 

"Oh! I've heard that one!" Cried Kitty excitedly. "Where the evil Undertaker and his band of minions planned to take over the Cosmos by having the nasty Shane woo the goddess Tori and convincing her to marry Taker for true love, so they could take control. But mighty Chyna stopped them dead in their tracks when she single handedly ran up the mountain and defeated the Taker with the Sword of HBK! It didn't sound too messy, however…" 

"Where the hell did you hear THAT version?!" Asked X-Pac suspiciously. "For a start, he was already dead when she killed him…did you know that?" 

Kitty shook her head thoughtfully. 

"Well he was…Kane skewered him on a tree. But he came back to life from a volcano with his evil sidekick HHH…did you have any idea about HHH?" 

"Well…no. Who is HHH anyway?" 

"Chyna's demented brother…uh, ex sidekick, and um…part time lover. Well, anyway…did you know about the part time mining expedition that took place during the whole incident?" 

"NO." 

"And, Chyna did not do it 'single handedly'. For a start, I was there the whole time. Me and Kane. And Road Dogg, some dude called Christian, that moron Mr. Ass…um, a drunken Steve Austin…although he didn't really HELP, just got pissed pretty much the whole way through it. Did you even know about the fight in the mud pit?" 

"What mud pit?! How undignified!" 

"Yeah, well there that, plus the fact that she was briefly the Queen of Ass and tried to torture me…but I spose that I'll forgive her for that. And she beat up some hos during the whole thing…and she's also the Undertaker's sister…half sister anyway. She still killed him…did I mention HBK turned Shane into a chicken?" 

"Shut up!" Kitty screeched. "You're ruining the whole 'legend' thing for me here! You've made the whole bards tale sound like a drunken bar story!" 

"Well…that's kinda what it is…" Sighed X-Pac, shrugging. "You had to be there…" Kitty looked at Chyna in despair, as the Warrior Princess plonked herself down at the table, propped her boots up on the bench and started crunching into an apple…messily. Kitty sat next to her, a hopeful look on her face. 

"He's kidding, right?" 

"Nope. That's pretty much how it happened. Get him to tell you the Olympic story…that's a killer." 

"But…I thought you were…a flawless hero!" Kitty cried, looking confused. Chyna shrugged. 

"Hey…I'm still a hero." She sighed, munching on a grape. "Everyone's flawed anyway. That's just the way I go about things." 

"Well…I'm kind of training as a bard, and it's my job to put a better prospective on these…stories." Sighed Kitty, taking a small sip of her wine. "I can see this one will need a little…editing." 

"Why?!" Said X-Pac with a grin. "I thought my telling was quite entertaining!" 

"The Athenian public does NOT want to hear stories about hos, mud wrestling, getting impaled on a tree…what else did you say happened?" Kitty muttered, looking at X-Pac with a sigh. 

"The reign as Queen of Ass…the drinking, the screaming, the seduction of Paul Bearer…" 

"SHUT UP!" Kitty screeched, clapping her hands over her ears in disgust. "I DON'T WANNA KNOW!!" 

X-Pac shrugged and wandered aimlessly away to mingle, while Kitty sat, her arms crossed. As the moment started to get a little awkward, out strode prince Test and Princess Stephanie, the pair to be wed. Vince ran up to them and kissed Stephanie on the cheek, then caught Test in a huge hug which nearly took both of them to the ground. Stephanie giggled. 

"Daddy!" She sighed. "You'll embarrass the big tough warrior!" Vince released Test, and still grinning, raised his goblet to the guests. His wife Queen Linda stepped by his side, clutching at a still clucking Shane. Kitty's eyes opened wide. 

"Wow…he really did turn him into…poultry." 

"Fascinating story." Sighed Chyna. "You Shouldn't piss off HBK." 

*** 

And so, as the ceremony began to take place Kitty stood next to her hero, sobbing uncontrollably. Chyna rolled her eyes. 

"What is your problem?!" 

"I…sob, I ALWAYS cry at weddings!" 

"It hasn't started yet." Chyna muttered as the priest Mark Henry waddled up the isle with his little book. He stood before the couple and pulled out a scroll. 

"I have written a poem to this joyous occasion!" Said Sexual Chocolate excitedly. A loud Moan was heard from the crowd. 

"It's…alright Mark." Said Stephanie quickly. "You can…read it." 

Test shot Stephanie a questioning look, to which she dug him in the ribs. He smiled pathetically. 

"A poem…untitled." Said Mark, unrolling the extra long parchment till it dragged on the ground. Another loud sigh was heard. But before he could begin to read it, a loud scream cut through the air, as masked warriors galloped into the revels on horseback. People leaped in all directions as the obvious leader galloped up towards Test and gave him a good kick to the face, before grabbing the screaming Stephanie and dragging her on the horse. 

"STEPHANIE!" Test screamed as she was dragged away. Soon the wedding had turned into an absolute brawl, as three masked men managed to lift Sexual Chocolate up over their shoulders and dump him in the lake, Test having the shit kicked out of him by these masked nasties. Chyna strode into action, leaping onto the table and taking good and careful aim, boot kicking a variety of spring salads into the heads of the assailants; she then back flipped across the spread and landed neatly behind another, kicking him in the ass. He landed face first into a cream pie, as Chyna then grabbed him from behind and happily proceeded to give him a low blow. 

"Yeah!" Kitty yelled, sticking her fist in the air and leaping up and down. She didn't notice an attacker creeping up behind her. 

"Kitty…DUCK!" Chyna screamed, picking up a well roasted duck and flinging it into the head of the masked warrior, knocking him cold. Kitty leapt up from the ground and then proceed to roll under the table…this party was getting rough! 

Chyna sighed, and pulling out her sword stabbed a warrior running at her with a club; she then lifted him up, took a good firm grip of his ankles and sent him spinning, his feet giving all the other nasties a good whack in the head. When she was done she flung him into the spread of salads, and wiping her hands, took out her chakram and sent it flying into another's head. Soon they had all fled from this woman who fights like the harpies in a bad mood; unfortunately taking Stephanie along with them. Test sunk to his knees in despair. 

"NOOOOOOOO!!!" 

*** 

"Gosh Chyna…you're amazing!" Said Kitty as Chyna attempted to fish Mark out of the lake. "I mean…you didn't even look twice at these guys and then…THWACK! You kicked their asses! And these back flips…wow! What a hero…" 

"Kitty…please." Muttered Chyna as she leaned dangerously close to the water with a large net. "Dragging at fat ass out of a pond isn't the most enjoyable of tasks." 

"Oh…you wanna hand?" She moved towards her. 

"NO…." 

But it was too late. Kitty lost her footing on the slippery banks and slid into Chyna, sending her head first into the water. Her head bobbed up, splashing franticly…and then glared at the blushing bard. 

"What do you think you're doing?!" 

"Uh…helping…sorta. I'll get you out!" Kitty said, leaning over and outstretching her hand. "Grab my hand Princess! Grab my…WAAAAA!" 

And into the drink she went. 

"SAVE ME! ARRRGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" She screeched, grabbing at Chyna helplessly and splashing frenziedly. Chyna struggled with the extra weight of the mad Kitty holding her down. "Dammit!" Screeched Chyna as she struggled to the side and heaved Kitty from the water, then begrudgingly paddled back towards the flailing Henry, grabbing his collar and dragging his huge form behind her. She rolled him onto the bank and then dragged herself out; lying helplessly on her stomach. 

"Chyna, this is no time for games!" Test shouted, as Chyna swore and clambered to her feet, her hair clinging to her face with pond weed. "My one true love has been abducted!" 

"I know." Sighed Chyna, flicking away some of the green goop. 

"We must find her!" He screamed. Kitty crawled to her feet. 

"Yeah Chyna!" She added. "You go and beat the living crap out of these…uh, who WERE they anyway?" 

"I don't know!" Cried Test. "But they want my Stephanie!" 

"I'll follow the tracks." Sighed Chyna. "They've gotta lead me somewhere." 

"WE'LL follow the tracks you mean." Said Test stubbornly. "She is to be my wife…I must help her." 

"And if you get killed?" Muttered Chyna. "You're too important to these kingdoms. I'll get her back. Whoever kidnapped her mustn't want this union to take place? Any ideas?" 

"No…everyone seemed pretty much for this wedding." M 

"I'm sure you're just saying that Test." Muttered Chyna, pouring water from her scabbard. "Come on, think. One person who had other ideas that you know of!" 

"Uhhh…no." Said Test, thinking hard. "Only the Taker…and he's dead…I heard the legend Chyna." 

"I hope it was the edited version then!" Sighed Kitty. "Boy, could I tell YOU a thing or two about the REAL…" 

"Shut up!" Chyna hissed, clasping her soggy hand of Kitty's mouth, then turning to Test again. "Who knows anymore, Taker seems to be very flexible in death. I'll check out his old lands, see if there is any evidence of the big dead bastard." She then turned to leave, Kitty close at her heels. Chyna looked at her in dismay. 

"Where do you think you're going?" Chyna demanded. Kitty grinned knowingly. 

"I'm coming with you Princess!" Said Kitty. "I can be a big help to you! Trust me, someone like you needs a little publicity!" 

"Publicity?" Chyna mounted a horse. "I don't think I need publicity. And if just happens I decide I DO need a little publicity, I'm sure X-Pac would have told that story in a thousand bars by then to give me all the exposure I'll ever want." 

"But stories about your deeds shouldn't be told before a drunken brawl! They should be immortalized forever in writing so that everyone can get to know the real you!" 

"The bar story versions are an incredibly accurate depiction, you know." 

"I'M COMING WITH YOU!" 

*** 

Chyna galloped into the dark mountain pass, Kitty clutching at her haplessly. She dismounted with a groan; Kitty fell flat on her ass but crawled up mighty fast, clenching onto her scroll bag for all she was worth, her eyes darting this way and that as a cold breeze blew through the chilly evening air. 

"So…this is where evil hangs out?" She asked nervously. Chyna nodded as she knelt and looked carefully at the burnt remains of a camp fire. 

"The place has been deserted for weeks." Chyna said knowingly. "But…if he is back, I'm pretty sure he'd come back here…he has nowhere else to go." 

"But who on earth where these masked men Chyna?" Kitty asked, scribbling something down on the parchment with her quill. "The leader sure didn't look like the Taker." 

"Don't be ridiculous! The Undertaker wouldn't go and do his own dirty work…that just isn't his style. They were probably easily convinced sheep." 

"Sheep?" Said Kitty, confused. "Looked like men to me! Aren't sheep wooly and say 'BAAAA'?" Chyna rolled her eyes in despair, then froze as she heard a small noise. She beckoned for Kitty to follow her as they crept through the shadows towards something that looked like an old shrine, a circle of rocks sitting between flickering torches. 

"Lit torches?" Kitty whispered nervously. "That's not a good sign!" 

"Looks like I was right." Muttered Chyna, as she heard the noise again, a heavy breathing, and pulled her sword from the scabbard. "Stay close!" 

"Right with you!" Kitty cried as Chyna circled the rocks, her head turning. 

"Show yourself!" 

"Like that is going to work…" Sighed Kitty, putting her scroll back in the satchel. "They aren't going to come out when they're obviously hiding…" 

"Here they come." 

"Oh. Crap." 

And from the shadows the masked men wandered, clutching at small, sacrificial daggers, their hoods down so that their faces could not be seen. They slowly circled the two women; Kitty nervously moved closer to Chyna. 

"Uh…Warrior Princess, this aint good." Kitty whispered timidly. "Look at these knives…murderous, bloodthirsty weapons, out for OUR blood!!" 

"I'm shakin in my boots." Chyna sighed, readying her sword. "Who are you, what are you doing here and why do you want the princess?" 

"We are worshippers of the dark…" The first snarled. 

"We are here because it pleases us…" Another growled. 

"And as for the princess…we're gonna use HER for the rebirth…" The third giggled. All the others turned and looked at him. 

"Mideon!!!" One hissed. "You're not spose to tell her that you dolt!" 

"Oh…sorry Bradshaw." 

"And you're not supposed to tell them that he's Bradshaw!" Another groaned. 

"Oh…sorry Faarooq!" 

"Arghhhhhh!" Bradshaw screamed, wrenching off his hood, striding towards Mideon and giving him a clothesline from hell. "You little asshole! Faarooq, why is this little asshole allowed anywhere near us?! He's completely RUINING the atmosphere here" 

"Shut up!" A rather large worshipper shouted, pulling off the hood to reveal a pissed off Viscera. "You're screwing this entire experience!" 

"It's not my fault!" Groaned Mideon, rolling on the ground, clutching at all small glass jar with an eye floating in some sort of juice. "Eye put me up to it!" 

"Oh my gods…" Muttered Chyna, shaking her head in disgust. "You…YOU are the masterminds behind this kidnap?" 

"Good gracious!" Said Kitty in surprise. "So…are we gonna kick their asses anyway." 

"Seems most likely." Sighed Chyna, cracking her knuckles. But then, who should leapt into the confusion but the two other cloaked figures, who pulled of their cowls to reveal, none other than…the HOLLYS! 

"HA!" Hardcore laughed. "We've got you now! There's no way you can take on a couple of super heavyweights like us!" 

"Prepare to be severely concussed!" Hardcore's smaller and much uglier cousin Crash sniggered. Hardcore turned and glared. 

"No no Crash!" He groaned, giving him a quick bop on the head. "It's 'prepare to die' moron! She won't be alive to bother about concussions, will she?" 

"But what if she lives?" Crash asked questioningly. "She's bound to have some swelling worthy of a cold compress!" 

"Shut up." 

"No! You shut up!" Crash shouted, giving Hardcore Holly a quick shove. "Cousin Bob, you are such an ass!" 

"Go away!" Bob screeched, decking his smaller and uglier cousin, then spinning on the Warrior Princess. "And you, stop smirking! You're not far behind skank!" 

"Uh huh…" Sighed Chyna, letting loose with a kick that sent Hardcore soaring, splat into Mideon. Crash leapt from the dirt and charged at Kitty; he found himself on the receiving end of her scroll, which she whacked him repeatedly with. 

"You nasty little critter!" Kitty screamed, smacking him on the head with the roll of parchment. "You get away from me you ugly little mini Bob!" 

"Argghhh!" Crash cried, trying to cover his head with his arms as he fled. "Quit it!" 

"Well…this should be interesting…" Mused Chyna, thoughtfully gazing at the weapon in her hand as Kitty chased Crash all over the place, then at her opposition. "Come get some boys…" 

Bradshaw and Faarooq charged at her together; she met them with a double scissor kick which sent the pair of them reeling. Mideon then tried his hand…with a sigh she lowered her head and charged at him with a tackle that would make the Denver Broncos of this day and age proud, literally plowing Mideon and his eye into the hard ground. He groaned and hacked in horror as Chyna stomped at him on the ground, then looked at the daunting task that was Viscera…but before she could even reach for her chakram Kitty had finished off Crash, taken a torch and belted it across Big Vis' big bald head. He came down like an unsuccessful pyramid, leaving him wide open for a boot kick to the face from Chyna. 

"Ok, now that we know each other…" Smiled Chyna, letting loose with another kick on Hardcore. "We can have a nice little chat…staring with, WHERE IS SHE?!" 

"Who?" Asked Crash. Chyna sighed and sent her fist flying into his skull. He sunk back down to the earth. 

"Don't play games…" Muttered Chyna, pulling out her chakram and spinning it carelessly on her finger. "With a blink of an eye I could split the skull of anyone who pisses me off. Now, let's try this one again…where is the princess!?" 

"Aren't you the princess?" Asked Mideon. "Yeah, you're the WARRIOR Princess! Mystery solved!" 

"We don't know what you're talking about!" Bradshaw said defensively. Mideon nodded quickly in agreement. Chyna groaned in despair. 

"Listen here you pitiful excuses for the hosts of 'Good Morning Atlantis', but that ugly little donkey raping bastard Mideon said something about a 'rebirth'! What the hell is going on?! TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!!" 

"Uhhh…that's classified." Said Mideon haplessly. Chyna exhaled sharply and grabbed him by the scruff of his shirt, dragging him towards her until they were eye to eye. 

"Not anymore!" She growled through clenched teeth. "TELL ME!" 

"I really don't know…" Shrieked Mideon in terror, before starting to sob. "Some guy came into our shrine…he told us to get the princess to assist the rebirth of the darkness! That's all he told us…pleaseeee don't killll meeeee!! WAAAAAAAAA!!!" 

"A guy? Which Guy?" Chyna spat. 

"I dunno who he was…he had a mask on…and he was tall!" 

"Kane?" Said Kitty suddenly. "I met him at the wedding…terribly nice for a pyromaniac, but he wears a mask and is the tallest person I've ever met! Was it him?" 

"No…" Sobbed Mideon. "He was a barely mobile fat ass, but he was tall and mean and threw me in the lake and made fun of poor old Eye! He said he was heading north!" 

"That's towards the D-Generate kingdom and the kingdom of Ass!" Kitty said. Chyna turned and stared at her. 

"God damn, shut up Kitty, your voice is really starting to piss me off." Chyna muttered, feeling her head with a moan. "Do you know where the princess is?!" 

"No…he took her with him." Bradshaw muttered, dragging himself up from the ground. "Hang on…where did these buck toothed Holly Boys mosey off to?" 

"Hey, they came with the fat ass!" Said Mideon suddenly. "They're KNOW ALL! Yahoo, Chyna can kick the shit out of them instead of us! YAYYYYY!!" 

"Oh, alright." Muttered Chyna, releasing her grip of Mideon's neck. "Come on Kitty, we have some balding cousins to chase and D-Generates to visit. They might have seen them pass through…and if worse comes to worse…I spose I'll have to talk with Mr. Ass." 

"He's such a spunky trunks…" Kitty sighed with a happy grin as she hopped back onto the horse and galloped into the night… 

*** 

Kitty's eyes opened wide as by morning they rode towards the D-Generate palace, the place completely mangled, Road Dogg lying in a pool of blood on the front step. Kitty dismounted and rushed towards Road Kill Jesse Jammes. 

"Holy HBK!" Said Kitty, looking at him in horror. "Is he…dead?" 

"No, I'm not dead…" Road Dogg groaned, trying to crawl to his knees pitifully. "Just…in a lot of pain…" 

"Oh, that's good!" Said Kitty cheerily. Road Dogg swore and tried to stand as Chyna strode up and looked at the trashed building. 

"What in Hades happened?" Kitty asked. The Dogg looked at her painfully, then managed to get to his feet, and staggered towards the back of the building, where X-Pac was dangling from a broken window, Kane lying face down in a fair amount of blood, most of it dripping from the window where X-Pac was embedded, and Mankind, lying half in, half out of the palace, seemingly thrown straight through the thick wall. Chyna shuddered at the carnage and attempted to yank the Little Green D-Generate from the jagged window pane, blood splattering all over the place. He slid out and landed smack bang on top of Kane, as Mankind struggled from the plaster and slowly lumbered through the broken glass towards Chyna with Socko on his hand, hobbled by this latest beating. 

"Well, that was fun, wasn't it Socko?" Mankind asked his sock buddy. His socked hand shook in disagreement. "No Mankind, you had your ass beat!" Mick's small, squeaky Socko voice came out. Mankind shrugged. "But Socko, we usually enjoy that sort of thing!" He cried at the sock, before switching personalities yet again. "We like it when we win Mankind…but we didn't!" 

"Mankind…who beat your ass?" Chyna asked quickly as he switched quite unexpectedly to his 'Dude Love' persona. 

"Well, my main happy cat Chyna, it goes a little like this…" Mankind grinned, ignoring the blood dripping from a large gash above his eye. "I was sittin here with these cooool cats, and then this real party pooper rocks in…and kicks our asses!" He finished, switching back to his more deranged self. Kitty looked oddly at Chyna, but she gestured to take no notice of the madness of Mick. 

"Ok…party pooper…Mick, who the hell are you talking about?" 

"Well…this great big dude…in a black mask, a great big fat ass!" 

"Tall?" Asked Kitty hopefully. Mankind nodded briskly. 

"Yeah, he was real tall!" 

"So he was tall, 6'6, 6'7 maybe?" Kitty asked with a smile. Mankind shook his head. 

"Nope, he towered over Kane like the proverbial brick shit house!" Mick said with a sigh as X-Pac crawled up from the ground, swaying and grasping his bloody head. Kitty looked at Kane nervously as he stood up to his full height, then turned back to Mick, wringing her hands. 

"That's BIG…" Kitty groaned, turning back to Chyna nervously. "Shouldn't we call in some more professional help? Like, such as…the entire ATHENIAN army!?" 

"I've faced worse." Said Chyna with a shrug. "Nicole Bassius was bad. The Undertaker was bad. And no doubt this gigantic fat ass will be bad, judging by what he did to the palace, the D-Generates and Mankind's head. But, Hades, it's my job. You can go if you want Kitty, I'm not expecting you to risk your life for the sake of an over dramatized story." 

"Over dramatized?!" Screeched Kitty. "I'm gonna stick with you Chyna, to make sure the truth may be told! We've come this far together, why stop here!" 

"Hunter and I went a long way together too…" Shrugged Chyna. "Before I stuck my chakram in his back…" 

Kitty looked slightly nervous as Chyna walked towards Road Dogg with her pack, and pulled out a long roll of muslin bandages, and a few herbs. 

"Think happy thoughts…" She sighed, slapping the cloth onto his bleeding arm with all her force. He winced. "Coz this is gonna hurt…Kitty, get me some leather twine and a needle." 

"Whaddaya gonna do?!" Road Dogg yelped as Kitty rummaged through the small saddle bag and pulled out the requested items. Chyna took them as she mopped up the blood. 

"The cut is deep. It needs to be stitched." Said Chyna flatly. Road Dogg gulped. 

"Don't I get something to numb the pain?!" He demanded hastily, as Chyna threaded the needle. She stopped and gave the Dogg a straightforward look. 

"I could knock you cold if you liked…" 

"Uh…gimme a minute to think!" Road Dogg said nervously, as Chyna pushed the needle into his flesh; he shrieked. 

"Oh, stop being such a pussy!" Said X-Pac, trying to hold back hysterical laughter. Road Dogg glared. 

"I wouldn't laugh if I were you." Said Chyna dryly, without looking from her work. X-Pac raised an eyebrow. 

"Why?" 

"Because you're next, and don't think picking these bits of glass out of you is gonna be fun, coz it aint." Chyna replied, looking over at the now sweating X-Pac, trying to pick the embedded shattered window pane out of his arm quickly. He flinched in pain as a small hunk of glass fell from the limb, and even more blood started to drip from the wound. Kitty walked up towards him, a small bundle of bandages at the ready. 

"You need some help there?" She asked pleasantly. X-Pac turned and gave her a pitiful look. 

"Maybe you could get the stuff stuck in my back…oh, gods…my neck! MY NECK!" 

Kitty carefully started picking the shattered remains of the window from his shoulder, then attempted to turn his neck the right way; he screeched in pain. 

"Uhh, your back's out…I'll have to put it back! Um…I do now how to do this…except I don't think I'm strong enough. Let me pick the rest of the glass out, then I'll deal with your dreadfully contorted spinal column." 

"Eek! OW! AGHH!" X-Pac moaned as Kitty picked out every piece, as Road Dogg whimpered as Chyna stitched. Kitty shook her head. 

"I thought you were supposed to be tough!" She sighed, flicking more of the pane away. "Right, your back…uh…Kane, you'll have to do it. Stand up." 

"I don't think I can…" X-Pac moaned, as Kitty wrenched him from his seat by the hair, and stood him up, his arms out like some strange type of bird. "OW! You know, you might want to work on your bedside manner!" 

"I'll try that someday…now, Kane, just lock your arms into his and yank his spine the way it isn't supposed to go." Kitty instructed, as X-Pac nervously took the position. "When you hear the loud snapping noise, it's worked." 

Kane shrugged, and with a mighty wrench, pulled poor old X-Pac clear off his feet. He shrieked and thrashed insanely; Kitty groaned and cradled her face in her palm in dismay. 

"Oh, come on X-Pac, be a man about this!" Kitty muttered as X-Pac feebly moaned. "Uh, Kane…take it up a notch…we've got to crack that back!" 

"Take it up a notch?!" X-Pac Screeched in disbelief. "NO! Dear gods, NO…pain! Major PAIN!!!" He flailed pathetically as Kane pulled his back as hard as he could…still nothing. Eventually, Kane had to drop him. He landed flat on his ass, still clutching at his neck and now at his lower back as well. 

"Time for plan B." Said Kitty, flipping X-Pac on his stomach. "I'll do this one myself…Kane could kill you trying to do this one." 

"You mean I'm not dead already?" X-Pac moaned, as Kitty placed her booted foot on his back, grabbed his arms, and gave them a mighty good wrench. She pulled as hard as she could, but still his back refused to give, and seeming his screaming was becoming too much to bear, she dropped the hold and tried to ponder a new solution to this disorder. 

"This really is a sticky one!" Sighed Kitty, scratching her head thoughtfully. "I mean, your back should have been fixed after the first attempt! And I've never known the other technique to fail. Hmmm, don't worry, I'll think of a new strategy." 

"Could you hurry it up?" X-Pac groaned, lying on the ground as if he had been trampled by a heard of wild horses. "This is…kinda uncomfortable." 

"Of course!" Kitty said suddenly. "We'll just combine the two methods together! Right, you stand up, I'll kick you in the back and Kane can wrench your arms the wrong way. That's sure to do it!" 

"You must be kidding me!" X-Pac screamed as Kane hauled him up and took a firm grip of his flailing scrawny forelimbs and gave them a good yank, whilst Kitty took a good run up and hit him with a huge flying drop kick. A loud 'CRACKKKK' was heard, signaling the procedure had indeed worked. 

"Success!" Kitty cried, giving him two hearty thumbs up. He smiled weakly…then collapsed. 

"Hmmmm." Sighed Chyna, as she tied the final knot in Road Dogg's stitches, then concentrated on a large gash on his face. "That was…well, better than some of the healers I've seen handle a bad back." 

"Really?" Said Kitty, now concentrating on Kane's wide variety of injuries. "What would they have used?" 

"Leeches." Sighed Chyna, placing a leaf on the wound. "And strings of garlic most probably. That's pretty much the tools of the trade for healing. Never mind that they actually work…You're a lucky healer when one of your patients lives through the night, even luckier if they live till breakfast." 

"And…what would they give a patient for breakfast?" Kitty asked curiously. 

"Leeches." Chyna said flatly. Kitty pulled a face, then started measuring out a long bandage for Kane's bleeding arm. 

"Uh…how do they prepare them?" 

"Raw…some of em are still sucking." Chyna shrugged. Kitty's face contorted in disgust as she wrapped the bandage around Kane's huge arm, then tied a small knot and turned back to Chyna. 

"Is that true?" 

"What…the leech thing?" Sighed Chyna, walking towards poor old X-Pac and preparing to stitch a deep cut on his shoulder. "Yeah…they do it. Never go to a healer, I tell you." 

"But…what do they make these powders from…you know the ones they give you for a cold?" 

"Lemon and ground leeches." Chyna replied, whipping the needle in and out at lightning speeds. "Mmmm…it's better when they're unconscious. They don't sob." 

"Uh…nice." Sighed Kitty, noticing a steady drip of blood coming from under Kane's mask. She peered closely at his face; he moved away slightly. 

"Keep still!" She implored, standing on her toes. "Bend down!" 

Kane sighed but obliged; Kitty tried to see where that wound was exactly without lifting the mask. 

"Um…where is the wound?" Kitty asked Kane hopefully. "It would be better if I could dress it. It might get infected, and then you'd have to go to a real, certified healer and get the supposed leech therapy." 

"Here…" Kane sighed in his low, raspy voice. "Give me the stuff. I'll take care of it." He outstretched his hand, Kitty dropped the bandages and herbs into his palm, then walked off. Chyna shrugged. 

"Let him go…no one really wants to know what he keeps under there anyway." Sighed Chyna, finishing up on X-Pac's shoulder, then grabbing some fresh water and dropping the entire contents of the cup on his head. "Rise and Shine X-Paccy Pac." 

*** 

"Ah, now that I've finished here, I'm going to have to go see Vincent." Chyna said at noon, washing her hands from her minor surgery. "Road Dogg, you'll have to come with me." 

"Why me?!" Asked Road Dogg. 

"Because, you're on the High Council. And I'm not." 

"That's a pretty bad reason…get Mr. Ass!" 

"I could, but I won't." 

"Why?!" 

"Because every time I come into contact with the little dick-wad I get the irresistible urge to try out my latest punch on him." 

"That's not uncommon, don't worry. But still…what is the High Council gonna do about this? You know that they don't REALLY do anything accept occasionally think up a new way to lie about how drinking Spartan water has nothing to do with impotence, madness and leprosy. And even their excuses for that are pathetic." 

"I'm sure they'll see things my way…" 

"Because of the princess?" Asked Road Dogg hopefully. 

"That and the fact I kill them all in two steps." 

"That's incentive!" 

***

And so, Chyna and Road Dogg traveled to the Chambers of the High Council in an effort to rally some troops to fight this big beast, more convinced that ever that it was a truly unstoppable force. The look of shock on the council members faces when Chyna kicked the door down pretty much told her that the visit wasn't a welcome one. 

"Uh…Chyna…what are you doing here?" Vince asked carefully, standing up from the round conference table. "This is…only for certified members" 

"Road Doggy Dogg was nice enough to invite me." Chyna said with a glare. 

"We sent the papers for your immediate dismissal a week ago dolt!" Vince muttered. Road Dogg looked slightly offended. 

"But…I live in an official kingdom…we NEED a bloody member." 

"X-Pac has been appointed your new member…our new messenger Chaz should have got the message to you." 

"Chaz has been in an asylum for a year with a multiple personality disorder. He COULDN'T have delivered your stupid message! Holy HBK you're such a bad liar!!" Road Dogg screeched. "But it don't matter…the D-O-double-G doesn't wanna spend any more time with you fuckers!" Road Dogg turned to walk out the door; Chyna grabbed him by the hair and dragged him back with a scowl. 

"No you don't." She muttered, before focusing back on Vince. "Now you listen here…I NEED help. I need an army, or some of your guards, or a war wagon, or SOMETHING to beat this guy. He is a massive force of pure destruction that is tearing up the countryside as we speak, with YOUR daughter! Come on, gimme some leverage here!" 

"I'm sorry, my army is in use at the moment." 

"In use?!" Chyna spat. "In use doing what?! They never do anything!" 

"They're defending the walls on an outpost in Carthrage. There is an unruly Gaul slave there who is going around, chopping the tops off the great philosopher's socks. Immediate action had to be taken!" 

Chyna was too confused to retort immediately, and we she actually did come to terms with what Vince had just stated, she didn't know what to say. Huh, actions speak louder than words… She decked him, turned around and stomped from the room, Road Dogg scurrying nervously behind her. 

***

Chyna rode angrily into the D-Generate kingdom and with a forceful elbow, deposited the Road Dogg at X-Pac's feet, then turned to ride off. Kitty ran up behind the extremely irked Warrior Princess. 

"Chyna…where you going? Wait for me!" 

"Kitty…" Chyna muttered, a brutal edge to her voice. "You are going to spend some time with the D-Generates. A LOT of time, with the D-Generates. I'm going to tear the fat ass apart with my bare hands." 

"Um…is that wise Princess?" Kitty asked. Timidly. "You might need help." 

"Not from you…now sit down and play tea party with Road Dogg, and leave me alone!" 

Kitty looked a little hurt, but continued to persist as Chyna trotted away from the palace, scrambling at the horse's heels. Chyna turned and glared, then slowed to a halt, dismounted and strode towards the bard. 

"You don't hear to good, huh?!" She snarled, shoving her roughly. "I said get, little girl. DON'T follow me, this is my business. You get it?!" She pushed her to the ground, flipped back onto her horse and galloped off towards the Kingdom of Ass. 

"Was it something I said?" 

***

Chyna galloped through the highlands, towards the kingdom of Ass, thinking on exactly what she was going to do with this gigantic asshole when she got her hands on him. Of course, the Kingdom of Ass was almost completely screwed, the walls smashed, the windows broken and Badd Ass lying half dead in the middle of the carnage. Chyna pulled up her horse and kicked at Billy's lifeless body. 

"Hmmm…everything seems to be in order here." She sighed, stepping lightly over his crumpled form and having a look around the rubble…there they were, just as she had hoped…huge footsteps, leading her on a clear path to Princess Stephanie. 

"Feel better." She muttered to Mr. Ass as she saddled up and galloped after her prey… 

***

"I simply don't know what came over her!" Sighed Kitty, pacing up and down as the sky slowly darkened. "She should have let me come with her, I could've been a great help! She shouldn't take on this big boy alone…I mean, what if she gets herself killed? Who will be left to carry on the legacy of the Warrior Princess?! YOU?!" 

"I could do it!" Said X-Pac, his small wrists vibrating.. "I could take Chyna's place!" 

"Yeah, X-Pac Warrior Princess…that has a ring." Muttered Kitty. "I was thinking more along the lines of…" 

"Me of course, that D-O-double-G!" Road Dogg butted in. "Heh, I could take Chyna's place, no sweat. The Dogg, the Chakram, the legend, the opening of the can of whoop ass…" 

"No!" Muttered Kitty. "I mean…" 

"Whatta bout good ol Mankind?!" Mick said, suddenly switching back to Cactus Jack. "Oh hell yeah…BANG BANG!" 

"Shut up! You know full well whom I'm referring to…" 

"Kane?" Said X-Pac, looking at the Big Red Machine doubtfully. "Well…if I die, he could do it. But I get first pickings." 

"What about the D-O-double-G?!" Road Dogg muttered. 

"Why do YOU get first pick?" complained Kane. 

"BANG BANG!" Mankind the Dude Cactus Foley screamed. 

"ME DAMMIT!" Kitty loudly interjected herself into the conversation. "Me. I'm gonna continue the legacy…get me some black dye." 

"No way, I said it first." X-Pac whined. "And my hair is the natural color, so there." 

"No, I'm the new Warrior Princess!" Kitty screeched, shoving X-Pac and sending him flying. "And right now, I'm going to go save Chyna's ass!" 

"Not if I get there first." Yelled the Road Dogg. "I'm the one who is gonna go down in history as the guy who rescued Chyna." 

"Ha, but I bet you can't kill the fat ass!" X-Pac screeched. "That's gonna be my job, just as soon as I beat you to it's lair, save Chyna, and slay it!" 

"Ha, just you watch me!" Screamed the Road Dogg, grabbing a sword and running towards his horse. "Warrior Princess, here I come!" 

"That's my horse!" Kitty squealed, taking a run up and grabbing the Dogg's leg. "The new Warrior Princess needs a horse, dammit!" 

They both rolled onto the ground, kicking, punching and screeching. Kitty rolled a little to the right, and managed to struggle atop Jesse Jammes, and with a straddling like maneuver, proceeded to pummel him viciously. The Road Dogg struggled and thrashed wildly as Kitty's clenched fist came into contact with his jaw, again and again. 

"Argh!" The Dogg yelled in vain as Kitty slammed his head into the earth. Kitty giggled in her superiority, but found herself quickly slipping from her vantage point, as X-Pac leapt into the fray and caught Kitty in a sleeper hold. She struggled pitifully, but to no avail. Road Dogg managed to climb to his feet, rushed back towards his horse in an effort to escape unmolested, and was promptly sent flying by Kane's fist. 

X-Pac sniggered, Kitty yelped, Jesse groaned in anguish, Mankind attempted a Mandible Claw on Kane…something had to give…and it did. Kitty sent her teeth in X-Pac's arm, dive rolled from the punch on and leapt on the horse. With a boisterous "HI HO AND AWAY-AY-AYYYY!" she galloped out of obscurity and into legend… 

***

Chyna dismounted and carefully and stepped into the dark, clammy cave. Her eyes darted in the darkness as she walked further into the gloominess of the grimey little hell hole that was the beast's lair. She treaded with care, as she noticed a small light up ahead. She crept towards it, an opening, and peeked around the corner; she gasped at the sight of this fat ass. 

There he stood, a huge, rippling mass of cellulite, his head thrown back in maniacal laughter, spit flying from his mouth. He wore an over sized pair of black panties, his huge, thick legs covered by a large pair of shiny, fancy booties, his hair tied back like a girl. 

"Ha ha!" He snickered, sticking his arm high in the air in some stupid gesture. The balding Holly cousins leapt out of the darkness and stood next to the big boy, and they giggled together at their scheme. "Soon, my little accomplices, the rebirth will be complete!" 

"Hey, who you callin little?!" Hardcore snapped. "Now I told you, me and my cousin here way over four hundred pounds. That's why associate with you dumb ass, you're our boy." 

"Yeah!" Crash chimed in. "That's right, cousin Bob. Why, were so big, we could kick your ass if we really wanted to! You're lucky we're all on the same page, otherwise you'd be in deep trouble!" 

"Would you shut up Crash!" Hardcore muttered. "And stop callin me Bob!" 

"Sorry Bo…I mean Hardcore." Crash said with a small grin. "But aint that right…we COULD kick his ass, couldn't we?" 

"Of course, of course…" Sighed Hardcore Holly with a small flick of his wrist. "Just like we beat the Warrior Princess' ass!" 

"Oh yeah, that was real hardcore!" Crash giggled. Hardcore smirked, but the large dude looked unimpressed. 

"The how come you came back with all these bruises?!" 

"Well, it goes like this Big Show…" Hardcore began, stepping in front of Crash and elbowing him out of the way. "This little moron here got in the Big Shot's way while I was stompin a mudhole in the Warrior Bitch, so I had to get a little hardcore on him. That's how he got them bruises…from ME." 

"That's not…" 

"Shut up Crash." 

This conversation had the potential to stretch on for millennia, but luckily for us, Chyna had become jack tired of hearing Hardcore's testosterone coated little monologues, so she flipped down from her hiding place and landed cleanly in front the Big Show. He groaned in anguish; she pulled out her Chakram and promptly smacked Bob in the face. 

"Warrior Woman, how dare you defy the sanctity of my lair?!" The Big Show screamed, stomping his enormous foot on the ground. "I don't know who you are, but your sure as hell not getting out of here alive." 

"She's Chyna, she's Chyna!" Crash screeched, hopping up and down. "Get her, get her! Avenge Bob!" 

Chyna sighed and delivered a sidekick to the leaping Crash, sending him catapulting into the stone wall. She then turned and looked at this humungous adversary. 

"Where's Stephanie?!" Chyna demanded coldly. The Big Show laughed mockingly. 

"She's mine!" He roared at her, slapping his enormous thigh. "No, no…she's not mine…she's my master's! The Undertaker will live again warrior cow, and will destroy everything you hold dear, everything you worked for! Can you feel the chill in the air, wench?! That is defeat, and is fast closing in on you!" 

"Oh, shut the fuck up." Chyna muttered, pulling out her sword and slashing it towards him. He jumped back slightly; she slashed again, he took grip of her wrist and squeezed. 

"Argh!" Chyna screamed at the pressure; her sword clattered on the ground and she dropped to her knees. 

"Stop!" A voice sounded from the rear. The Big Show turned and released his grip, and from the shadows ran X-Pac, complete in badly fashioned leather armor, no weapons readily apparent. Big Show raised an eyebrow at this minute threat. 

"It is I, X-Pac Warrior…uh, PRINCE, I guess. Anyway, your days are numbered!" He grinned disarmingly and turned back to the shadows. "Sidekick, my weapons!" 

Kane slowly emerged from the darkness and threw a frying pan into the Warrior Prince's grasp. X-Pac looked at it for a moment; then he gulped and backed away slightly. 

"Um…this is a cooking accessory Kane…shouldn't I have something a little better than this?" He backed away some more. Kane rolled his eyes and handed the now slightly deflated Prince a rock. 

"Right…ok then." X-Pac then flung himself into battle, pan and rock in hand. He swung it at the Show's large gut; he jumped backwards, grabbed the frying pan and conged X-Pac of the head with it. He staggered helplessly right into the Big Show's pudgy hand… 

"Halt!" Another voice sounded. All turned and looked…out bounded the road Dogg, wearing a slightly more kingly armor, sword in hand. "It is I, Lord Road Dogg! Destroyer of Nations! Always kickin that shiz-nit DAWG-GEE-STYLE!" 

"Who the hell are all you stupid people?!" Big Show groaned, flinging X-Pac away. "This is the force that is to stop my plan?! Huh, this is gonna be easier than I thought." 

"Prepare to die!" Road Dogg screeched, raising his sword and charging full boar at the huge gloating nastie. One slash, two slash… 

"OW!" Road Dogg shrieked as the Big Show booted him in the face; he stumbled backwards and found that fat hand around his throat. Chyna jumped at the wonderful distraction that Lord Road Doggie Dogg had created and nailed the Show with a mighty low blow. He seized his balls and squeaked pathetically, Chyna flipped over his doubled over form and gave him a vigorous kick up the ass, ala Jericho. 

"Now, one more time…where's the princess?!" Chyna growled, grabbing her Chakram and moving it menacingly at him. He scowled at her and once more sent his tree trunk like arm flying towards her, smacking the weapon from her grip. She was completely helpless for a split second, and he capitalized, smashing her with a well placed elbow. She came crashing to the cold ground 

"Where is the princess, where is the princess?!" The Show sighed, pacing up and down and shaking his head. "Is that all you say? Never mind though, I'll smash you all to bits." 

X-Pac: Warrior Prince and Lord Road Dogg: Destroyer of Nations had managed to clamber to their feet, and stood, proud and tall at the big boy; Show kicked at the Holly cousins and threw them into battle. 

"Ha, you two D-Generate morons think you can take on true super heavyweights like me and my cousin here?!" Hardcore demanded, sticking his chest out. "Why, the two of you together couldn't beat me!" 

"Let's get em cousin Bob!" Crash said excitedly. 

"Don't call me Bob dammit!" 

And with that the Holly's leapt at the Prince and the Lord, and a wild brawl for all ensued. Chyna jumped to her feet and attacked the Big Show with her bare hands; Kane also launched himself into the fray and aimed his fists at the blubber of this servant of darkness. And as the Big Show clunked Chyna and Kane's heads together, flung X-Pac from Crash's grip and was proceeding to sit on the Road Dogg, a wild woman ran into the lair, her armor clanging loudly. 

"I am Kitty: Warrior Princess!" She cried, adjusting the pair of metal beer mugs she was using as breast plates and flipping back her now very black hair. "And I swear, if you don't get your ass offa him, there's gonna be hell to pay!" 

"What in Tartarus are you supposed to be?!" Big Show demanded the small Chyna mini me, as she stood before him, her scroll bad slung over her shoulder, a metal spade in one hand and a wooden replica of the Chakram in the other. She raised an eyebrow, and smiled a superior smile. 

"I'm Kitty: the Warrior Princess! Now, let's fight dammit!" Kitty screamed lifting the spade…and delivering her own version of the low blow. The Big Show fell to his knees; Kitty screamed her own version of Chyna's war cry and whacked him across his beefy back with the shovel. 

"La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-laaaaaaa!" Kitty screeched, belting the heavy metal spade part across his ass. She then leapt a few feet away, pulled out her Chakram and flung it. It whizzed at him and collided with his thick head, bouncing off with a rather unpleasant 'CONK!' 

"Wooo hooo!" Yelled X-Pac, hopping up and down, then grabbing his pan and running into the battle. Within moments, Kitty and X-Pac were taking it in turns to smash the shovel and pan across the skull of the Show, who was staggering dangerously. 

"Kitty…get out of the way!" Chyna shouted, as she could see where this fight was going. X-Pac delivered one final blow to the head; the Show swayed…and began to tumble towards them. X-Pac gulped and threw himself into a speedy cartwheel, but Kitty was frozen in fear. She dropped her weapons, her mouth wide open, and haplessly waited to be squished… 

"Kitty!" Chyna shouted, backflipping into action and shoving her small sidekick out of the way. Unfortunately, even though the new age Warrior Princess was quite safe, Chyna was trapped between a rock and a fat ass, and simply couldn't move in time. He landed heavily, crushing Chyna underneath his massive weight, pinning her to the earth. 

"Oh Chyna!" Kitty shrieked, crawling towards her hero lying flattened under the huge weight. "How do you feel?" 

"How do I feel?!" Chyna snapped. "I'm dying dammit, and you want to know how I fucking feel?!" 

"Well…maybe, I was thinking, you felt at peace?" 

"One of my shattered ribs is sticking in my kidney, if that's any pointer to the peace I'm feeling right now…" 

"Ah…" Said Kitty, propping her scroll bag under Chyna's head as a pillow. 

"Kitty…" Said Chyna weakly. 

"Yes?" 

"I've got one more thing to ask you." 

"Oh yes, anything Chyna!" 

"Kill this son of a bitch, right now." Chyna muttered. 

"But Chyna…how will we ever get him off you if he's dead?" Kitty asked nervously. "If he wakes up and rolls off you, you might be spared." 

Chyna rolled her eyes painfully. "Kitty, I am totally screwed. KILL HIM!" 

"Ok…" Said Kitty. "How should I do it…" 

"Aw fuck it!" Chyna muttered, reaching for her sword with her free arm and stabbing him brutally, if not arkwardly. "Never mind…I've taken care of it." 

X-Pac, Road Dogg and Kane had come closer now, looking at her trying to punch Kitty from her death bed. Kitty moved over slightly as Chyna laughed a little. 

"Oh Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty." She sighed. "Is this the legacy I leave…a mini Chyna to save the world. Et tu Kat." And she died. Kitty looked slightly deflated. 

"Well…she's dead…" Sighed Kitty. 

"We know." Said Road Dogg, looking at Chyna with a sigh. "How we gonna move the body?" 

"Huh?" 

"Well…how we gonna get him off her…and what about the princess?" 

"Oh, I'm right here!" A voice sounded suddenly. They all turned and saw Stephanie standing innocently behind them. "There was never really any problem…daddy just came and collected me, no big fuss." 

"But…" Said Raod Dogg, scratching his head. "You were kidnapped at the altar! You were gonna be sacrificed!" 

"Was I?" Asked Stephanie in surprise. "Hmmm, first I heard about that. Oh well, no matter now, I'm fine. Daddy's waiting outside, so I must be off. Bye." 

"Oh Chyna!" Kitty suddenly fell to sobbing. "It's my fault, it's all my fault! If I had of stayed put…if I had never bothered you in the first place…" 

"Huh, guess it IS your fault." Shrugged X-Pac. 

"Hang on…you're not spose to say that!" Kitty snapped, before tearfully looking at Chyna once more. "But it doesn't matter…I'm going to bring you back Chyna, oh hell yeah I'm gonna bring you back. A new Kitty is born tonight, with a new purpose in life…Chyna! The Kat will revive the Warrior Princess!" And Kat stood up, and she stared at the horizon and she knew her destiny. 

"Good fucking luck!" X-Pac sniggered, picking up the Chakram hanging limply in Chyna's hand and spinning it on his finger. But Kat was not to be discouraged; she snatched the weapon, shoved X-Pac into the dirt and stood, tall and proud. 

"Chyna, here I come!" 

Road Dogg and Kane looked doubtfully at each other, but she had already stuck the sword in her makeshift scabbard and was heading out of the cave…for she Kitty, a mighty princess, forged in the heat of Chyna's low blows…the power, the passion, the DANGER… 

Her courage will change the world! 

To be continued… 

* * *


	2. Live and Let Die

  
  


Chyna: Warrior Princess 

Episode VIII: Live and Let Die. 

The characters aren't mine, no copyright infringement intended, yadda yadda yadda. 

* * *

In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero. She was Chyna, a mighty she-male forged in the heat of low blows. The power…the passion…the DANGER… Her courage WOULD save the world, but she's kinda really dead at the moment. Enter Kitty! 

As you may remember from her previous episode, Chyna and her annoying little sidekick Miss Kitty had been attending a nice little royal wedding, when some asshole made off with the bride, generally pissing Chyna off. She journeyed through the various kingdoms, searching high and low, until the final showdown with a 7'2, 500lb bag of grade A monkey crap known as the Big Show. Unfortunately, Chyna got kinda squished by the bulk of this beastie, in an attempt to save Kitty from the same fate. But fear not, for Kitty has vowed to rescue the Warrior Princess from hell's depths…and damn the consequences! 

The sun was rising over Mt Sexy Boy, and all seemed well. A small bunny hopped towards the edge of a pool to drink, a small deer skipped from the foliage and the birds sung in the trees. Everything was well, and everything was peaceful…well, for a little while, anyway. 

But no, the peace shall be shattered as Kitty charges from the trees, her makeshift armor clanging and her newly appointed sidekick X-Pac whom scrambles after her in a desperate attempt to keep up. She stands, tall and proud, as she is KITTY, Warrior Princess! 

"Come sidekick, we must pray at Mt. Sexy Boy." Kitty stated, staring up at the huge mountain. X-Pac groaned. 

"No, please, no!" X-Pac moaned. "Please don't make me climb that damn mountain again. I almost got the sword of HBK implanted in my head last time I did that." 

"Oh yeah, I know that story, let me retell it…" 

"NO!" X-Pac screeched, clapping his hands over his ears. "No, don't you tell me one more stupid story! I'll kill myself!" 

Kitty sighed, and walked over to her slightly bedraggled accomplice. He edged away slightly from her, but she gestured her hand and then placed her palm on his forehead. X-Pac flinched slightly. 

"Uh…what are you doing?" 

"I am calming your raging emotions." Kitty sighed peacefully, humming to herself. "We should meditate together before travelling any further. I can sense conflict in your soul…" 

"Conflict?!" X-Pac spat disgustedly, throwing her hand off of his head. "I just want to you to shut up! Is that too much to ask?! You're driving me insane!" 

"I'm sorry you feel that way…" Sighed Kitty, sitting cross legged on the ground and hummed. "Maybe you should return to your D-Generate kingdom, and be happy…I am going to make the world peaceful." 

"What the hell is wrong with you Kitty?!" X-Pac demanded suddenly. "You've been acting really weird ever since…well, we passed by Taker's lands." 

"Nothing is wrong….mmmmmm" 

"Well…ok. But I'm still going." X-Pac turned and started to head back towards his green little kingdom. Kitty waved serenely after him, before an evil smile formed on her lips. 

"Fool…muh hah ha ha haaa!" 

***

Tori sat upon her throne, bored and in anguish. Once again, her husband had run off on a Saturday night to a party and left her high and dry, once again he was wooing some ridiculous mortal cow. She felt it was about time she had a little affair of her own…she was contemplating this wicked little thought when all of a sudden, a puff of black smoke appeared in front of her…and out stepped a small, dark haired girl. 

"Who are you?!" Tori demanded, jumping up from her throne and preparing to fry this unwanted guest. But the girl smiled a cold and evil little smile. 

"Why…it is I, Tori." She rolled her eyes back in her head; Tori paused for a moment. 

"Taker?!" 

"Yes Tori, it is I." Taker cackled. "I stole this body when she came close to my lands. It is the body of Chyna's sidekick and trusted friend. She was questing to bring Chyna back to life when I decided to borrow her.." 

"Really…?" Mused Tori. "So the warrior wench had an accomplice, did she?! Ha! We will use her against Chyna, she must never be brought back to spite me! But…how to you do it? The rebirth wasn't a success!" 

"Yes, that stupid ingrate couldn't handle the evil I had bestowed against him…but he did kill Chyna. I managed to will my spirit into the girl's body as she walked by…she was very close. And as for the Big Show…he was too stupid to be ruthless anyway." 

"Ah…yes, I see." Tori sighed, sitting down on her throne. "No doubt the fates would bring Chyna back to life, it wasn't her time. How are we going to persuade them otherwise?" 

"I've sent Paul Bearer around for lunch." Taker laughed evilly. "When he's done, their agricultural situation will be hurtled back to the stone age. They'll be willing to talk." 

"Brilliant strategy!" Tori snickered. "And as for the revenge on my husband, I have decided I shall have a child to a mortal. It will be trained by you until the day of Armageddon, and then it will conquer HBK." 

"I love it when you talk like that…" Taker cackled in Kitty's body. "It's a brilliant plan. Chyna's soul will be ours, your son will destroy HBK and I shall live again to become master of the universe! Muh ha ha ha ha haaaaa!" 

***

"Go away!" The first fate, Luna screamed as Paul Bearer lumbered around the chambers, a pile of food in his grasp. He laughed and grabbed another turnip. 

"What evil has sent this plague to us?!" Wailed the second fate, Terri. 

"Who will save us?" The third fate, B.B, screamed, trying to make Paul hand back the last of their food. "We must save the Warrior Princess, stop it." 

But Paul Bearer, ever the opportunist, snatched up their supply of the precious Ambrosia they were going to use to save Chyna, and stuffed it down his flabby throat. Luna and Terri screamed in horror, for the worst thing had happened...Paul Bearer was now god! 

"Save us!" Wailed B.B. "We must save Chyna somehow and bring her back to stop this plague! Paul will destroy the world with his hunger! There will be no more crops!" 

Paul chortled maniacally and then waddled from the chambers, leaving the room in a state of disrepair. But at once Luna had a bright idea. Using her greatest powers, she called upon the ghost of the Warrior Princess. 

"Oh, Warrior Princess, tis a woeful day!" Luna wailed. 

"Oh woeful dayyyyy!" Terri and B.B echoed in unison. 

"Alas, alack…Paul Bearer has become a god!" Luna sobbed. 

"Oh woe is us!" Terri howled. 

"Really?" Sighed Chyna. "Hell, that's too bad." 

"Alas, it is!" B.B moaned. "You must help us!" 

"Well, you know I would, but there is that one pesky little element…" Chyna sighed. "You know, the fact that I'm really very dead at the moment." 

The three Fates all looked at each other at a moment, and then fell to sobbing. 

"Oh, it's true! What are we to do?" Luna screamed. "But…there may be a way…" 

"Uh huh." Sighed Chyna. 

"We will send you back into the body of another!" Luna declared. 

"Yes, ooh yes!" Terri cried, clapping her hands excitedly. "That is a good one!" 

"Do I get to pick?" Muttered Chyna. 

"Well…it must be someone of little importance to the great scheme of things." Luna stated briskly. 

"Oh, I know plenty of people like that." Chyna said with a roll of her eyes. "They're all relatively useless." 

"But, you don't know what they may do in the future!" B.B said. "We know all, past…" 

"Present…" Sighed Terri. 

"And future!" Luna chimed in. "Did you know that one day X-Pac will become a hero to all mankind?" 

"What the fuck are you smoking?" Chyna muttered. 

"And that Jericho will pull off the biggest heist in Egyptian history?!" 

"Not if I can help it." 

"And…" Luna added in sneakily. "We know…we know that it is not your time. You're destined to die a horrible death somewhere else in the future, and that is why you MUST go back!" 

"Oh, how comforting." Chyna groaned. "Well then…go on, send me back." 

And with that, the three Fates fell to chanting. Terri raised her arms as light began to flicker about the chambers, and a strange mist began form before the three Goddesses. 

"The time has come!" B.B screeched as out of this mist, which was becoming increasingly green, stepped none other than…the Road Dogg! Chyna groaned. 

"No, not him!" Chyna moaned. "Not him!" 

"What is going on?!" Road Dogg demanded. "Where the hell am I?" 

"You are going to be loaning out your body for a while!" Terri declared. "Chyna must rescue mankind once more!" 

"What?!" Screeched the Road Dogg in horror. He began frantically looking for an escape route. "No, I object! You can't just up and steal my body…it's a handsome body! It's mine!" 

"You'll be quite comfortable here in hell." Sighed Luna. "We have ducted heating, you know." 

"You have no say in this, Jesse Jammes." B.B said, shoving him to the back of the room. "You are quite safe from harm." 

"Yeah, I am, but what if Chyna gets herself killed?! That's my body she'll be killing!" 

"That will not happen!" Terri sighed. "And now Chyna, you must depart." 

Chyna opened her mouth to argue, but was already hurtling through time and space towards her new home… 

***

And Chyna's spirit landed smack bang into Road Dogg. She looked around quickly, realizing she was standing in the D-Generate Kingdom. 

"Dammit!" She…or he, cried. "Bad taste, damn bad taste." 

And then she began to examine her surroundings, as not to look to conspicuous. It was truly a little hell hole, the walls broken, the altars smashed, and everything pretty much still in disrepair after the nasty little attack from Mark Henry. Luckily for her, she was alone. But not for long. Kane came walking through the small, smashed throne room, and Chyna immediately attempted to think up the certain mannerisms of the Dogg. 

"Hi…" She said quickly. Kane nodded in acknowledgement. 

"Um…you may find this hard to believe…" Chyna begun, as Kane turned and looked at the Road Dogg. "But, I'm not who you think I am…I'm Chyna!" 

Kane stared at him oddly, Chyna continued. 

"I've been brought back to life by the fates to save the world from your fatass father who just happens to have become a god and threatens to destroy the world by eating all the crops." 

"Oooo kay." Kane said slowly. Chyna smiled hopefully. 

"You believe me right…you have to believe me?" 

Kane nodded his head slightly. "No." 

"Why not?!" She spat. "Why would I make up something as ridiculous as that?! Why would I waste your time and mine making up stupid lies like that?!" 

Kane was about to reply, but Chyna continued. 

"Ok then, I'll prove it to you, ok? Look, look…" And the Road Dogg pulled off a series of perfect back flips, leaping onto the table, grabbing a plate a flinging it like a Chakram. It whizzed through the room and shattered against the wall. He stopped, panting. 

"See, see dammit?!" Chyna screeched. "It's me, it's me, it aint that D-O-double-G! It's Chyna!" 

"My fatass father is a god, huh?" Kane sighed. Chyna nodded vigorously. 

"Yeah…yeah he is, but I'm gonna stop him. I'm gonna stop him…" 

And out the Road Dogg ran, screaming a pitiful attempt of the war cry. 

"Yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip!" 

"Someone's been smoking X-Pac's weed…" Kane said to himself. 

***

Tori stared down from the heavens, thinking of a suitor to have her demon child to. She sighed and retired to her throne as Kitty emerged from his chambers, dressed fully in black. 

"What about Edge?" Tori asked very hopefully. "He is such a hottie, we would have beautiful children together. Or his brother, Christian, he's quite nice…" 

"Silence." Taker demanded. "You will have the child to my half brother. It will become a ruthless killing machine after I have finished training it. It's all in the genes." 

"Kane?!" Tori said in disgust. "Out of all the gorgeous men wandering the earth, and you pick Kane? He's not even cute…well he may be, but I'll never know, will I?" 

"I know my brother, and a child from him will be evil. His father is evil." 

"What if my child develops an eating disorder?! Like Paul Bearer…you can't do this! And what if it looks like you?!" 

"What's wrong with that? My old body was extremely handsome." 

"Are you kidding me? You've deluded yourself, haven't you?!" 

"Don't start with me, wench!" Taker snarled, throwing her dark hair back and stomping towards Tori. 

"It is the closest we have to a child with my genes. HHH is dead, and I am now fully incapable. That leaves Kane, so don't you complain!" 

"What about…what about….someone really muscular and evil like…" 

"Viscera?" Taker asked with a smirk. Tori was taken aghast. 

"Fine. I shall woo Kane, but I'd rather have Edge, he's such a babe." 

"Good." Taker cackled. "Everything shall go to plan, and HBK will be destroyed!" 

"Yeah, yeah." Tori muttered as she transported back down towards earth begrudgingly. 

***

As X-Pac trudged back home from his non-adventure, the goddess appeared before him. He paused for a moment; after all, this was the woman whom cost him his life on a previous outing. And Tori froze as well…she was smitten. 

"Ah…queen Tori." Said X-Pac flatly. "Good day." And he attempted to walk by her. But she hurriedly blocked him. 

"Um…X-Pac, isn't it?" She asked softly. 

"Yeah." Sighed X-Pac. 

"And I guess you know who I am?" 

"I've got a pretty fair idea, Tori." X-Pac muttered. Tori smiled. 

"I hope you don't hate me…I didn't mean any of the awful things I've done." Tori said sorrowfully. X-Pac shrugged and tried to keep walking; she continued. "I…Taker made me do such awful things. I'm trapped in a loveless marriage, and Shane promised me a better life if I married the Taker. I did so, but…Chyna ruined everything. It was for the better, I suppose. She was right, Shane was nothing but a little bitch…but, but…ohhh I'm going on again." And she burst into tears. X-Pac stood there for a moment, then in true gentlemanly fashion he went and tried to console her. 

"There there…" He said awkwardly. "Shane is a bitch." 

"Oh, I'm such a fool, I thought he truly cared for me…" 

"Now now, don't call yourself that, your not dumb. Where are you going?" "

I fled from Mt. Sexy Boy after…after Shawn abused me, mentally, physically…and, and sexually!" 

X-Pac sighed and put his arms around her; Tori buried her head in his shoulder and sobbed. 

"Oh, you're so kind, after all the horrible things I've done." Tori wailed. "I don't deserve your sympathy." 

Uh…it's ok Tori." 

And Tori grinned evilly; "Oh, could you walk me to the inn?" 

"Yeah, sure." 

And Tori and X-Pac walked off together, Tori's evil scheme working perfectly. This was the man whom she would bear his son and heir. She had never been so turned on by a man in all her life. 

***

Chyna walked towards the kingdom of Ass, noting that every crop field was extremely eaten away. Although, the Road Dogg seemed an almost perfect guise whilst dealing with Billy. They were friends, weren't they? Or had they fallen out again. Oh well, she'd find out. 

"Road Dogg!" Billy cried running towards him. "My crops, they're all eaten! The gods are punishing me…can I borrow yours?" 

"No." He said, rolling his eyes. "All mine are gone too…Paul Bearer has become a god." 

"Holy flying orbs of Sable!" Mr. Ass shrieked. "The earth will starve to death!" 

"Yeah, it's pretty bad." 

"Too bad that warrior bitch is dead, she'd deal with it." 

Warrior Bitch?! Chyna thought viciously. "Yeah…too bad." 

"Though I guess she probably couldn't deal with it…she seems to make everything worse…remember when the Taker first tried to kill us, and she had him killed, and then he came back and raised more hell? That was all her fault." 

"Um…that's not quite how I remember it, but yeah." 

"And that time she had Nicole Bassius beat my ass! What a whore!" 

"I'd shut up now. Ass Man." 

"Aw, and the way she died…what a pitiful way to croak it, she got squashed by the guy she was trying to kill, how damn pathetic! She didn't even save the princess, what a…" 

Road Dogg's fist fast met up with Billy's nose; and down he went, once more clutching his ass in horror. 

"Goodbye, Mr. Ass." 

And off Chyna went, swearing all the way. 

***

Tori sighed as she laid back in the bed and snickered to herself. The deed had been done, and it was much easier than she thought. She would return back to Mt. Sexy boy, and when the child was born she would claim it to be Kane's. Nobody would know…unless it grew up to look like it's father, and in that case, it would be doing weights all it's life. X-Pac was such a fool, but at the same time he was an extremely sexy fool. She definitely would have liked to keep him as her part time lover, but unfortunately her secret could never get out, which simply meant that both X-Pac and Kane had to die. She would convince them to kill each other; that way she could kill two birds with one stone. 

"Ohhh X-Pacccc…" She cooed, lying back seductively as X-Pac came back from the lake. "Come here sexy." 

"I…I can't believe I just got laid with the Queen of the Gods." X-Pac said, starting to comb his wet hair. "I mean…wow, is mom gonna be proud." 

"Oh X-Pac, are you going back to the D-Generate kingdom?" 

"Of course, that's where I live." X-Pac sighed absent mindedly. Tori raised a wicked little eyebrow. 

"Oh…then you don't know?" 

"Um…no. What?" 

"That Kane intends to kill you! He was planning to rejoin his brother the Undertaker, and first he had to take you out of the picture. You know he's an unpredictable physco …I'm surprised he hasn't done you in already." 

"Are you serious?" X-Pac laughed. "That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Kane wouldn't do anything like that." 

"I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's the absolute truth! He was dealing with the Undertaker when he attempted the takeover the first time…why else would he have killed him?" 

"Um…well, I thought he killed him coz he hates him." 

"That's what he wanted you to think…he killed him because he knew that he would come back more powerful than ever. That's why he wasn't at the final battle atop Mt. Sexy Boy. He was in cahoots with his brother the whole time. How else would have Hunter got the blood? Kane wouldn't have let that happen unless he wanted it to." 

"It's all just coincidence." X-Pac said, but this time he didn't sound so sure. 

"Is it? X-Pac, you're an intelligent man, I thought you would have picked up on his deceit earlier. You go back there, he'll kill you." Tori paused to look at X-Pac's face. She knew he was starting to trust her. "I shouldn't even be telling you this, but he came up the mountain to see his brother all the time! We were all in on it, although I wish now that I wasn't. I'm telling you this because it's about time I came clean. I want to turn over a new leaf, which is more than I can say for Kane." 

X-Pac was now seriously starting to believe her. "What will I do? I won't go back…he can't kill me if I'm not there!" 

"No, he'll hunt you down! He has powers even you don't know about. No…you must face and kill him." 

"With what…swords are no good…should I shoot him?" 

"I shall help you." Tori said evilly, as a large mace, encrusted in small skulls, appeared in her grasp. "Take this. It will kill anything it touches. It is my gift to you." 

X-Pac took the evil looking weapon in his hand and looked it over. "You sure this will kill him?" 

"Positive…" Tori purred, slipping out from between the sheets and putting her clothes back on. "And now, my dear X-Pac, I must be going before my husband starts to miss me too much. And remember, be ruthless." 

And she disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving X-Pac alone in the room, holding the weapon. 

***

But no, Tori wasn't returning back to her home, she was heading straight towards the D-Generate kingdom, to convince Kane of X-Pac's impending 'betrayal'. She stepped through the doors of the palace, keeping her eyes open for the Road Dogg, whom could shatter all her plans. But as it seemed, he wasn't home, which meant everything would be all too easy. 

She found him sitting alone in one of the less shattered rooms, and smiled as she stepped seductively through the doors. Kane jumped to his feet immediately and glared at her balefully. Tori put her hands up defensively. 

"Easy big guy…I'm not here to hurt you." Tori said, taking a careful step forwards. She had to play it very carefully here. "I've just come to talk." 

Kane continued his glare, but she took another tiny step towards him and continued her calm smile. 

"Well, he did it. He finally pushed it too far." Sighed Tori, shaking her head. "My no good husband took another wife and flung me from Mt. Sexy Boy. Mortal cow! And here I am…mortal, which is worse." Kane tilted his head to one side questioningly; Tori played her hand. 

"Yes, it's true, I'm no longer a goddess. He took my immortality in a fit of rage when I questioned him about why he had betrayed me." And with that she took a knife and ran it along her hand; blood dribbled from the small cut. She wiped it onto the drapes and continued. "I had nowhere to go. I would have asked Chyna to help me, but she was tragically killed. I come across Road Dogg's palace and was going to ask if I could stay a while. I suppose you want me to leave…I understand." She turned towards the door. 

"Stay…if you want." Kane said. Tori grinned and turned back towards him. 

"I suppose you understand about betrayal, it's new to me." Sighed Tori, a small tear rolling down her cheek. "I mean, I never expected he'd do something like this, to allow a mortal to take my place in his heart. I loved him once...we were very young when we married. I was one hundred and six and he was one hundred and nine. I was a fool to expect it to last the rest of our immortal lives." 

"I'm sorry." Said Kane sympathetically. 

"Oh, don't pity me, in a way I deserved it. After all the awful things I did under the influence of your brother, you're being so sympathetic." 

"My brother is evil." Said Kane. "It wasn't your fault." 

"I believed him." Tori sighed, starting to cry. "He told me I would have a better life, and all I got was shit." 

"Uh…" Kane decided to consider the options as she sat on the bed and tried to cry on his shoulder. In the end, he let her. "I'm soooo (sob) stuupiddddd…." 

Kane, not used to such situations with women, was easy prey for the manipulative wench. He caved. 

"You're not stupid, Tori." 

"Oh…you think?" 

"Um…yeah, I guess." 

"THANK YOU!" And with that she threw her arms around his neck. "You like me, you really like me!" 

Kane paused for a second…he wasn't quite sure that he actually liked her, he had just said that to shut her up. But there was no going back now. He nodded slightly. 

"Oh, Kane!" Thank the gods I found you when I did!" Tori said suddenly, satisfied she had gained a small sliver of his trust. "I must tell you…X-Pac, he's going to kill you!" 

"What?!" Kane demanded, standing up and staring angrily towards her. She backed off. 

"It…it's true! Before I was cast out, he appeared at Mt. Sexy Boy to discuss plans with the Taker." 

"The Taker?" Kane demanded. Tori suddenly realized she had said too much. "He's dead." 

"Um…his spirit lives and is cahoots with X-Pac! I swear I saw it with my own two eyes. They shook hands on the deal. X-Pac was the one responsible for Chyna's death, too." 

"He tried to help…he's just not very good at it." Spat Kane. 

"Ha, that's just what he wanted you to think…he led Kitty underneath Big Show, knowing that Chyna's code of honor wouldn't allow Kitty to die! He was the one responsible for your own sister's death, and now he's out to kill you too! He's sold his soul to the Undertaker and there's no going back!" 

Kane's eyes darkened as he strode towards Tori. "Why are you telling me this?" 

"To protect you, of course!" Tori said. "When X-Pac returns, he'll kill you. He killed Kitty on the pass, then doubled back to finish you and the Road Dogg off. He'll then have control of the D-Generate kingdom and use that power to take over the universe with the Taker! You must kill him first!" 

Kane looked confused; Tori leapt at the opportunity and summoned up another weapon of destruction; this time a large, skull encrusted sword. "Take this, it will kill him easily. He'll be no match for you." 

Kane took it and nodded. "I'll kill him." 

"Excellent…" And Tori turned and left the room, heading back to Mt. Sexy Boy, her plan working perfectly. She stopped to stare at her hand, which harbored no wound at all, and the small vial of hens blood concealed up her sleeve. Then she vanished… 

***

Chyna had done a complete circuit of all the kingdoms, and could find no trace of Paul Bearer, only his handiwork. At this rate, nothing would be left. With a sigh, she knew she would have to go to the source; up Mt. Sexy Boy…again. She wandered back to the D-Generate kingdom to rally her troops… 

***

Kane spotted X-Pac in the distance, walking alone and carrying a huge weapon. It was hard for him to make out exactly what is was because of the blindness in his right eye, but that did not matter. Tori had been telling the truth, he HAD killed Kitty and was on his way to kill him. He strode from the building and stood in wait for his adversary. 

"I might of known!" X-Pac snarled, swinging the mace threateningly. "Here you are, waiting to kill me." His smirk was superior. Kane lowered his head menacingly and prepared the sword. 

"I could crush you." Kane growled. "You know it, you are NOTHING compared to me." 

"Oh yeah?!" Snarled X-Pac. "Well come on then. KILL ME!" 

Kane swung the weapon, but X-Pac ducked and threw a shot towards Kane's legs. He spun and blocked, then smashed him in the nose with his elbow. X-Pac tumbled to the ground, but sprung back up, the mace in his grasp. He swung it a little frantically, but Kane simply took a step back. 

"What the fuck are you doing?!" The Road Dogg's voice sounded from behind them. Kane turned and X-Pac swung… 

"No!" Chyna screeched, back flipping towards X-Pac, but it was far too late. Luckily, however, Kane had turned, and the mask shielded the hit. He fell to the ground, X-Pac readied the weapon for the death blow, but Chyna intervened, scissor kicking the mace from his grasp and then punching X-Pac down into the earth. 

"What are you doing?!" He screamed, kicking the pair of weapons away. "You could have killed each other." 

"That was basically the idea." X-Pac growled. "I'd be careful if I were you Dogg, that sociopath could lash out at any second." 

"Hey, I'm not the one who killed Kitty." Muttered Kane. 

"Kitty's dead? Huh, you killed her too, did you? Sick bastard!" 

"Whoah, whoah…" Chyna said. "Who said that Kitty's dead?" 

"Tori…" Kane muttered, clambering to his feet. 

"Tori?!" X-Pac spat. "No way, she told me that, that…" 

"That Kane's one crazy physco?" Chyna sighed. X-Pac nodded. 

"Yep." Chyna muttered, picking up the sword and the mace. "Did either of you happen to notice that the Taker's insignia is on these things?" 

X-Pac sat silently I the dirt; Kane absent mindedly scratched his ear. 

"I thought so." He said, throwing them back down to the ground. "Now listen. I'm not the Road Dogg. I'm Chyna, and I've been sent back to stop Paul Bearer…but I think that was just to divert me from a larger scheme. Tori and the Taker have got something going here, and I'm gonna find out what it is." 

"So…you're not the Road Dogg?" X-Pac asked. 

"No." 

"So where is he?!" 

"Um…hell." Said Chyna. "He's in the luxury suite, don't worry." 

"This day just keeps getting weirder and weirder, don't it?" Sighed X-Pac, getting up slowly. "One minute you're trying to save the world, then you get rejected, then you have hot, wild sex with a goddess and then you try and murder…" 

"What?!" Screeched Chyna. "Sex with a goddess…which goddess?!" 

"Uh…Tori." 

"You frikkin moron!" Chyna screamed, shaking her head in despair. "How stupid can you get?! There'll be a child…and it will destroy us all." 

"How do you know that?" X-Pac sighed. "It was just a little fling. Nothing." 

"Nothing is NEVER nothing when Tori is concerned, dipshit!" Chyna groaned, smacking him in the forehead. "Good gods, I shoulda stayed dead. It would have been less stressful." 

"So, what are we gonna do, Chyna?" X-Pac asked timidly. 

"YOU are going to stay here and cause no more trouble. Both of you, I've simply had ENOUGH. You can stay and kill each other for all I care. I'm going up the mountain to destroy the child." 

"Now…hang on a second Chyna…" X-Pac started. "We don't know it's evil, and it's my child. You just can't up and kill my kid!" 

Chyna paused for a second. "Maybe." 

"Don't kill it." 

"We'll see. Now stay put, I'm going after the Taker's dead ass." 

***

Chyna climbed up the mountain slowly, clutching at the rocks and hauling his body up the step ledges. Eventually he laid his hand on the final rock and hauled himself up onto the top of the mountain. The Parthenon stood as it did last time, and this time, she was going in… 

"Who the hell are you?!" Taker spat. Chyna froze. 

"Kitty?" He said, taking a step forward. "Kitty, what are you doing here?" 

Taker suddenly felt his advantage. "I was kidnapped by the Undertaker!" 

"Don't worry, after I've taken care of Tori I'll get you outta here." 

"Uh huh…" Said the Taker, raising a dagger behind Chyna's back. He turned…the flash of steel was before him…he caught the blade between his palms in true Chyna fashion. Taker laughed and rolled her eyes back in her head. 

"Taker…" Chyna hissed. 

"Road Dogg." Taker cackled. 

"Oh how wrong you are…" Chyna hit him with a flying sidekick, sending the small, fragile girl's body crashing to the ground. He raised an eyebrow. 

"Chyna?!" 

"You got it." He said. "And you're going straight back to hell." 

"Ha!" Taker sniggered. "You kill me, you kill your little friend. You can't have both, you know…" 

"We'll see." Sighed Chyna, staring at the ground. "I call upon the fates! Send our spirits down to hell and return the bodies to their previous owners." 

Chyna smiled a grim smile as their spirits were released and shot back down to hell… 

***

"HA!" The Taker cackled, staring at the Warrior Princess' spirit. "Foolish woman! You can never defeat me! You may have save your friend's life, but you've sacrificed your soul!" 

"We shall see, Dead Man." Chyna smirked, pulling the essence of the Chakram, a flaming annulus and flinging it towards him. The demons and death watch crawled from the hiding places, ready to reclaim the loser as their own as Taker blocked the blows with a fireball of his own. Chyna screamed her warcry and backflipped into action, hitting him with a flying drop kick combo to the chest. 

"Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!" She screamed as Taker staggered back, then glared, raised his arm and sent her flying backwards. Her body shuddered on earth as her soul was mercilessly beaten into. But she refused to give up, landing his spiritual balls with a hell of a low blow. He staggered, she smashed him in the face with her gauntlet, pulled out a pair of her flaming chakrams and flung them, pinning the Dead Man to the wall. She pulled another out of thin air, growled viciously, and sent it flying towards his throat; it embedded itself in his neck…the fight was over. At once the demons swarmed; he screamed in horror as they dragged him through the rock face as if it weren't there and back to hell's prison. The three Fates appeared. 

"You were triumphant." Said Terri. 

."We now have gathered enough Ambrosia to give you life." Sighed B.B. 

"And we have subdued Paul." Stated Luna, handing her the flowery substance. "Swallow it. It will heal your crushed body and send your spirit back into it." 

Chyna nodded, but Terri raised her hand. "The child. You must decide about the child." 

Chyna ate the Ambrosia, and was at once transported back into her body. She stood for a moment in the cave where she had died, until the Fates sent her post haste to Mt. Sexy Boy. There she stood, dressed in a robe, her massive stomach jutting from the fabric. She held her abdomen and grinned wickedly. 

"It's growing, Chyna." Tori hissed. "It will be your murderer." 

"The Taker is dead Tori. I doubt you COULD raise it to be evil…just a stupid as yourself." 

"Do not underestimate me Chyna." Tori suddenly clutched at her gut and groaned. "The baby…it's coming!" 

Chyna could have very easily stabbed Tori in the stomach; instead she dropped the sword and rushed towards her, shoved her onto a pile of cushions and took a deep breath. 

"What are you doing?!" Tori shrieked between pants. 

"Keeping a promise." She muttered, grabbing a bucket of water and putting it over the fire. "Push, dammit, push!" At this point, Kitty and Road Dogg ran in and were somewhat forced to watch their first birth… 

Tori screamed, Road Dogg fainted, Kitty threw up…Chyna kept her nerve, and knocked the mother to be cold. The birth was rather messy from this point, as Chyna was forced to perform the world's first caesarian section with the aid of a towel, a bucket of water and her chakram. I shall refrain from the details… 

"A boy!" Chyna cried, pulling out the child and hurriedly cutting the cord, wrapping it in a nearby blanket and speeding from the Parthenon. Down the mountain she slowly climbed, the wailing child in her grasp. 

"Why me?" Chyna muttered. 

"You need some help there?" Kitty asked. Chyna climbed even faster. 

"You stay away from me, I remember what happened last time you said that." 

"Ah." 

***

"There you go." Chyna sighed, handing X-Pac his half god son. X-Pac looked slightly confused. 

"What ever happened to the nine month waiting period?" 

"Trust me, gods can bend the rules a little." 

"Oh." X-Pac stared down at his son. "He's kinda cute, aint he?" 

"Oh…as long as he don't grow up to look like you." 

"HUH?!" 

"Kidding, kidding." 

"Oh…right." X-Pac nursed the tiny baby happily. "What should we call him? X-Pac Junior?" 

"That is…pretty bad, X-Pac." Sighed Road Dogg. "What about Jesse Jammes Junior?" 

"This is not a puppy!" Chyna sighed. "It's your son. Give him at least a half decent name!" 

"I like X-Pac as a name!" X-Pac said indignantly. "What about you Kane…you got ant ideas…we gotta give him a name before his first birthday, dammit!" 

Kane thought for a minute. "Sean?" 

"What?!" 

"Well, that is your given name, isn't it?" 

"Yeah, but…" 

"Well, why not?" Asked Road Dogg. "Sean Jammes." 

"That's gotta nice ring." Shrugged Chyna. "Come on X-Pac, stick with something." 

"John? Bob? Roger? Rikishi?" Kitty ran through names. 

"I know...Syxx! Whaddaya think?" 

"I quite like it." Sighed Road Dogg. "The Syxx Dogg, yeah, it's brilliant." 

"In that case…" X-Pac held the baby above his head in a regal, definitive kinda way. "I dub thee SYXX, future lord D-Generate!" 

"Always kickin that shiznit dawg-gee style!" Road Dogg added. 

"Let it be so!" X-Pac screamed, then paused. "Oh…someone needs to be changed." 

Chyna stopped to watch X-Pac panic and frantically search for something to surpass as fresh trousers, then mounted her horse and gestured Kitty to her side. 

"You think he can raise a child?" Kitty asked hopefully. 

"Oh yeah, piece of cake. The kid will be able to punch his lights out by the time it's one, anyway. Remember, it isn't human. Come on Kitty." 

And so, the Warrior Princess rode into the sunset, her faithful sidekick by her side, ready for their next adventure… 

And Tori watched them from the heavens, and she cackled…all the pieces were falling into place. 

The End.


End file.
